This isn’t a fun topic to discuss, but it happens often, and we should be aware of how dangerous it is for any kind of relationship. It’s called Financial Infidelity.
Financial infidelity (FI) is a common issue I see within my relationship consultation practice. This problem consists of two components:
(1) engaging in a financial behavior expected to elicit disapproval from one’s partner and
(2) intentionally failing to disclose this behavior to one’s partner.
Even with twenty years of experience in relationship consultation, I have found that financial infidelity is almost always a symptom of trust issues that far transcend money as a root concern. But digging down to the cause can be complicated; Financial experts, therapists and divorce lawyers commonly point to several categories of FI.
1. Anxious self-preservation
Secret spending can fill an emotional void, AND prompt a physiological response; your brain likes purchasing things! It rewards you with neurochemicals for doing so. The endorphin or “feel good” chemical release then leads the person to want to shop even more, in a desperate effort to decrease anxiety that is actually being caused from different sources.
For the more severe cases of this money deception based in anxiety, we sometimes call this hoarding. Possessing objects AND relieving stress with neurochemicals is an unhealthy but powerful way to cope with subconscious anxiety. If there were times earlier in life where we experienced a scarcity of financial resources, the tendency to hoard cash from one’s partner occurs out of a sense of self-preservation, not malice. The spouse truly fears that there might come a time where there will be scarcity, and they want to be prepared “just in case we may need this.”
2. Addictions and compulsions
Unfortunately, cash-based spending habits can be precursors to spending compulsions. Gambling, shopping—even binge eating- can be a catalyst to addiction. Addictions are often a source of shame, and this shame can lead to hiding activities that support the addiction in a terrible cycle.
For example; Sam, 54, says that his husband, John, kicked a food and alcohol addiction and replaced it with a shopping habit. Sam discovered a credit card statement of an account he knew nothing about — and that same evening found receipts and price tags from John’s designer clothing purchases tucked away in his car trunk. These “tells”—the receipts, tags, deceptive credit cards – Sam found these hidden objects the way a spouse might find empty bottles of pills if your partner was a substance abuser.
3. Affairs
It’s no secret that sexual affairs have tremendous ‘cost’. Financially, this is in part because the money for the incidental expenses has to come from somewhere — and always secretly. Even if financial infidelity is not directly funding extramarital sexual encounters, the deception creates terrible isolation in the relationship, as the person attempts to hide everything. When deception starts, and is successful (e.g. the act is not found out) then it can be a precursor to other behaviors that breed even more detrimental to the relationship.
4. Revenge (Usually for a Betrayal)
When one spouse or partner feels deeply betrayed, it can set the stage for FI. Jim, 38, a marketing CEO in New York, describes how his wife Wendy became unglued when his business took a downturn, and they had a financial setback. When he made an effort to be transparent, and asked Wendy to curtail her spending, she became illogically irate! She even postured that he had betrayed her in some way.
After this confrontation, her spending increased rapidly — she went behind his back and leased a Ferrari. (A Ferrari!!!) Sadly, the marriage ended in divorce, because she refused to stop spending. Until the very end, Wendy felt justified in her behavior, since she was “accustomed to a lifestyle” that was funded when their finances were more available.
5. Keeping up with ‘The Jones’s’ and maintaining “status quo”
In the land of social media, where we all live now, everyone makes an effort to present their life as attractive and valuable. This can lead to a feeling that you have to “keep up”, or somehow your life is worth less. Add that to times when you have a money shortage, and a feeling of shame and disgrace can set in.
Sam and Mandy, both in their 40s, had dated for a couple of years, then started sharing Mandy’s apartment. Mandy recalls that Sam was charming and appeared to have everything ‘together’, with a fancy wardrobe, and endless financial generosity, like paying for friend’s meals and drinks.
In Sam’s first marriage he’d bought a beautiful home on a lake. After a few months into their relationship, Mandy learned the façade of a lavish lifestyle with his first wife was paid for with credit cards(!) and that, and other poor business decisions had led to his filing bankruptcy twice earlier in his life.
The point is – Sam was not ‘trying’ to be intentionally deceptive. But his misrepresentation, and then secretly funding activities to keep up the charade; These actions were clearly deceptive and spoke to Sam’s larger insecurity issues.
6. Clash of values
When children grow into adults but don’t immediately find financial stability, there’s often disagreement about supporting adult children. As parents, we do not like to watch our kids struggle, but we also don’t want to provide so much that they don’t stand on their own.
One marriage I worked with had tremendous conflict about how to assist their unemployed daughter, and the husband secretly siphoning money to her. When the wife found out, she cut off the daughter’s access to funding, promising no more aid until the daughter found a job.
The daughter was then evicted for not paying her rent (after the money stopped flowing) and when she ran out of places to couch surf, she had to sleep in her car until she got a job.
While the happy ending was what the parents were hoping for, during the marriage, the daughter’s lack of financial frugality and reliance on Dad to ‘bail her out’ had been a major source of secrecy and deception between the parents, which, even done out of love, his highly damaging to any relationship.
Communication Saves Relationships
In conclusion, let’s take what we’ve learned here – we know there are a variety of reasons for lying about money in a relationship – and some of those, no matter what happens, will fracture the bond between couples permanently.
But if people can be vulnerable with each other, addressing why they feel the compulsions to spend, or hoard, or make otherwise dicey purchases, then there’s always hope for a positive, strengthening resolution to Financial Infidelity. The first step is to understand why you’re hiding your actions, and then, to make a plan with your partner to move forward in a more healthy, honest way.
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