Over the last several months I have had the opportunity to work with many executive females in my relationship management practice. Since March 2020 the focus of my consultation with these women has taken a sharp turn toward “how” to work from home (WFH) while also managing kids that were sent home from school in an effort to “curb the spread” of the COVID virus. Now my clients are facing another challenge—how to manage the upcoming school year when attendance options are presented. Most parents in my area have been presented a choice between “distance learning,” (all classes internet based) “hybrid instruction” (some attendance in-person and some online, therefore reducing exposure to the COVID virus , and “traditional school” where youth attend class in person.
Of course, nobody wants to expose their child to COVID, right? So the most “logical” option would be for children to stay home and just do distance learning. But what if that is really not possible?
I cannot help but feel this is something like a throwback to a 1950’s era. The rhetoric of the 50’s was one where women’s decisions about paid work and mothering were dichotomized where “stay-at-home” and presumably “full-time” mothers or “working mothers” with the assumed position that working moms prioritized paid work over child rearing were either “family focused” or “work focused.” Fast forward to the area of COVID-19 in the year 2020. A similar, yet different dichotomy has presented—do we make a choice to work or to potentially place our children in harm’s way, somehow leaving an incorrect perception that we somehow value our work over our children’s safety?
Enter front and center: Mom guilt
There are expectations from society, media, family and friends about what “good” mothers “should be like” and what they “should do.” Executive women are not immune from these expectations and are prone to perfectionism. When they are unable to meet the ideal (that is, be a spectacular executive AND mom) they believe they have fallen short. The internal negative committee in her head compares her to others. Although most of my executive women clients do a good job of putting on a façade many begin to believe the internal negative committee’s dialog about personal shortcomings and as if they have “failed” their children and family by choosing to have a career.
Enter “mom-guilt” that can strike at any time, but particularly when there is an underlying perception that the mom has put their child in harm’s way. Feelings of guilt and shame underpin negative feelings and thoughts (the “internal committee”) and can present in some of the following ways:
- Perfectionism. A mom may desire to appear “put together” and make an effort to avoid feelings of failure and self-judgment.
- Despondency and anxiety: Hallmarks symptoms of mom guilt are fatigue, anger, intense worry and feelings of low self-worth despite being accomplished.
- Overwork and overscheduling. The belief that if they “do” more then they will “feel” better about themselves. Sadly this can lead to burnout and have negative consequences to physical health .
Mom guilt is particularly applicable when applied in today’s COVID environment.
If a working mom chooses to work and send her child back to a “traditional” school setting are they being selfish, choosing work over the well-being of the children? NO.
How about we consider another thought—that the executive mom knows her strengths and teaching her children is not one of them. After weighing the options they feel a “traditional” learning environment will “benefit” their children more than a parent that is not mentally present, and is not an educator. This does not make the mom who makes the choice for their children to be home educated via zoom “better” or “worse” than those who send their children to a traditional learning environment. The choices are simply different.
How to move beyond Mom guilt in the era of COVID
As a consultant to executives and a mother myself, I understand Mom guilt. Being a mother can be filled with anxiety, stress, and chaos. Here are three ways to help you overcome working mom guilt so you can get back to living life:
1: Don’t “should” on yourself
Our shoulds are social expectations, family pressures, and unspoken ‘rules’ we may buy into, possibly without realization. Our shoulds are shaped by our environment particularly with social media and experts that bombard us with advice on what a “good” parent should or should not, do. When I my clients use the word should, I encourage them to replace it with could. This alleviates judgment and gives permission to do what works best for them and their family – without should-inflicted guilt.
2: Stop following other people’s rules
Because of the many mothers in your life, you have a good idea of what makes a good mother. Based on these relationships you’ve created a set of rules that you follow. When you don’t follow these made-up rules you can feel guilty. To relieve yourself of working mom guilt, forget these rules. Instead set expectations based on your circumstances like who you are and what your kids need individually and the family needs collectively.
3: Refuse to take the guilt bait from others
While some women thrive on critiquing other women’s parenting, the best mothers I’ve met have no need to throw stones at how others parent their children. They’re simply more interested in doing the best they can for their own. So while you can’t always avoid the righteous parenting police, you can choose to see opinions – particularly about education in the midst of COVID– for what they are: a way to justify their own choices.
Acceptance and choice
Working motherhood is a significant part of an executive woman’s identity. When you fail at it (or perceive you have), and then feel guilty about it, it reflects your inability to do the most important job you’ve ever had. You are your toughest critic. Doing what works for you, for your children and your family to stay happy, healthy, good humored and connected is ultimately all that matters.