You can tell a narcissist by their behaviors, attitudes, and reactions.
When it comes to determining whether you or someone you know is a narcissist, most people make it more complicated than it needs to be. There are no blood tests, x-rays, or exact scientific approaches that can identify whether you or someone you know is a narcissist—but you can tell a narcissist by their behaviors, attitudes, and reactions.
1. Need for perfectionism and control
Narcissists have an extremely high need for everything to be perfect. They believe they should be perfect, you should be perfect, events should happen exactly as expected. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied.
2. The rules don’t apply to me and I am better than everyone else
The world of the narcissist is black and white– good/bad, superior/inferior, and right/wrong. Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent; do everything their way; own everything; and control everyone.
3. Lack of responsibility — blaming and deflecting
Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for results—unless everything goes exactly their way. If things don’t go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame externally. Sometimes that blame is generalized (e.g. all law emforcement), whereas other times a person is the negative object (e.g. their parents, laws) that limit what their ability to “do” what they want to “do” when they want to “do” it.
4. Lack of empathy
Narcissists have very little ability to empathize with others and lack an understanding about the nature of feelings. They tend to be selfish and self-involved and are usually unable to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissists expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom think about others feelings. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty.
5. Everything has to be “about me”
Ever tried to be friends or a love partner with someone who is all about me? Someone who only listens to themselves? A person who changes the topic, gets defensive or mad at you when you try to talk about difficulties you’ve been experiencing suggests narcissism. Narcissistic functioning, at its core, is a function of a lack of listening. Think of it as one-sided listening where the other person is dismissive of what you say and may be quick to anger if your view is different than theirs.
Narcissists also make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They simply must have a new sports car entirely because they want it without consideration to the impact the choice may have a good choice to make for the family or for the budget. If they’re bored or depressed, they seek external things to change—end or start a new relationship, move cross-country, change their career or start a new business. They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. There is an expectation that you are going to support their desires and choices and react with irritation and resentment if you don’t.
6. Neverending need for attention
Narcissists need constant attention. No matter how much you tell narcissists you love them, admire them, or approve of them its never enough—because deep down they don’t believe anyone can love them. They are actually very insecure and fearful of not measuring up. Constant need for praise and approval from others is an effort to make shore up a fragile ego.
7. An inability to be truly vulnerable
Because of their inability to understand feelings, their lack of empathy, and constant need for self-protection, narcissists can’t truly love or connect emotionally with other people. They cannot look at the world from anyone else’s perspective. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible.
8. Criticism is always personal
Don’t try to make the mistake of trying to reason and use logic with a narcissist in hopes they will understand how their behaviors have an impact on you. You may think that if they understand how the behavior has hurt you that there will be a change in the future. Although narcissists may say they understand your feelings, they honestly don’t.
Do you think that you or your spouse could be narcissistic? Is it affecting your relationship? Let’s see if I can help – schedule a 1:1 call with me.
References
Lancer, D. (2014). Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation.
Livesley, W. J., Jang, K. L., Jackson, D. N., & Vernon, P. A. (1993 December). “Genetic and environmental contributions to dimensions of personality disorder.” The American Journal of Psychiatry 150 (12) , pp. 1826-31.
Masterson, J. F. (2004). A Therapist’s Guide to the Personality Disorders: The Masterson Approach: A Handbook and Workbook. Phoenix, Az.: Zeig, Tucker, & Theisen, Inc.