I was sitting in the examining room last week waiting for my doctor to come in for my annual physical. Actually, it had been at least three or four years since my last complete exam, as it is one of those things that I just hate to bother with. Everything about it I dislike: the questioning, the poking and prodding, the tests and most of all the waiting.
But as I was sitting there, it dawned on me that there are many similarities between doing the necessary things to maintain your physical health and well being, and those that are necessary to maintain the health and vitality of a marriage.
For example, each requires a commitment to regular exercise, proper nourishment, vigilant monitoring and a routine, if not annual checkup. I think that we all can acknowledge the need for exercise, diet and medical monitoring to be part of our routine in order to keep ourselves in good physical condition. Without these, it is very easy to fall into unhealthy habits which ultimately can take their toll on our physical well-being. But what about our marriage health?
To me, regular exercise in a marriage means working on those little, day-by-day things that help to transform an okay marriage into something truly beautiful, a gift to be treasured. Perhaps it is something as small as when your significant other sends a text message at work to say they are thinking of me and wishing me a good day. Or when I might stop by a shop that I know carries an item that they love—a pastry, coffee, flower, etc. These might not seem to be much—but truly it is the “little things that are the big things.” These little expressions of love are a way of “exercising” our marriage vows to keep marriage alive and healthy.
What does a healthy diet and proper nourishment for marriage health “look like?” Talking and sharing our day and doing the little things, even mundane things like going to the grocery store together can help bring a sense of closeness. At a point in your career you may find your job can get a bit all consuming, with leaving early in the morning and getting home much later than you may have earlier in your marriage. Taking that moment, perhaps to pray together or connect emotionally often seems to give spouses marital nourishment for the day ahead. By connecting for even this brief time in the morning can also be a reminder of the “why”—why you may go off to work each day, what the point is for the daily grind and it is more than a paycheck but a reassurance that you care for the family and marriage.
In the evening, connection is also critical. One way is by taking a walk or some other way of connection that is non technological in nature. Reconnection does not occur over television. Being in the same room watching a television program or movie is not quality (re)connection—it is two people in the same room that are taking in some form of media. That is no different than if you were in the middle of a department store watching a show on a display television and a stranger was standing there consuming the same media. Admittedly, sometimes after a long day at work you may not feel like making the effort, to take a walk to take the time needed to make the connection. The walk can follow a brisk or leisurely pace, but regardless, it provides us with some time alone to talk about the events of the day and catch up with each other. Nourishment for marriage.
Another form of nourishment for our marriage is a weekly time together set aside without kids or work or any other distraction. Many times a “date night” will suffice—but make no mistake, there are always a thousand things, competing priorities, that will appear “more important” than the planned connection time. These other activities may be very worthwhile, but more often times distract from the marriage nurturing.
Have you ever walked through your home or office and seen a plant and thought– “I know I need to water that plant” but being busy and off to your next activity say to yourself you will “do it tomorrow.” Tomorrow turns into several tomorrows and one day you walk in to find the plant withered and clearly depleted from a lack of water and nourishment. So it is with time and marriage. Saying you will “get to it” or “make time later” for your marriage is stating that everything else that is filling that space is more important than your marriage. Remember, we “do” what we value and our behavior is a direct reflection of those values and priorities. Uninterrupted time together helps to keep spouses in touch with each other and feed the marriage.
Lastly, I believe our marriage benefits from an annual “checkup” involving a commitment of attending a retreat. A couple could easily do it individually or within any type of structured setting. This time away from the ordinary routine and busyness of life allows focus to be completely on the marriage and forces the couple to take a good look at the state of the marriage.
In summary, while one might not necessarily “like” to do the things necessary to stay on top of physical health and well being, we do them regardless. So it is with marital nourishment.