Even with the most loving of couples, marriage is an intricate, complicated thing. When two people coming together in a long term partnership, issues are sure to arise, and it can be easy to focus on all of the problems at hand instead of the rewards of your relationship.
Let’s compare a marriage to investing in a house that needs to be lovingly repaired and renovated. First, you tackle the major issues. The roof needs to be worked on, the wiring needs updating. The plumbing needs more than Drano and requires the attention of a professional who won’t flood your house. Just when you think you can celebrate success from your hard work, you start to notice issues that were overlooked while working on the bigger stuff. There’s a crack in the bathroom ceiling, the carpet has spots, and the living room paint pallet doesn’t match any of your furniture.
But remember; constantly finding things to fix makes it difficult to focus on the present, and best parts of a relationship; being grateful for what you have, having a roof over your head, warmth, and place of your own.
Similarly, when all you can see in your marriage are the issues that need fixing, you have a difficult time finding the rewarding things. Looking at everything that’s wrong with your marriage is a quick and easy way to be utterly unsatisfied. But, by readjusting your focus and finding gratitude in what you have, you can see your marriage – and your life – through a whole new perspective. Gratitude helps remind us of the reasons we first fell in love with our spouse. Sharing words of gratitude for precious times together and beloved qualities in one another remind us of particularly rich seasons that can sustain commitment during harder times.
Marriage and long term committed relationships can be a challenge because life can be challenging. From difficulties at work to financial hardships, raising children, the stresses of everyday life can create tension and conflict within anybody.
As marriages move past the honeymoon stage, most couples go from appreciating and being attentive to every little detail about each other, to taking each other for granted. Over time, it’s easy to sink into the stability and complacency of the relationship, forgetting why you chose to be with them. This leads us to overlook or become desensitized to our mate’s special qualities, while we then focus on everything that annoys us. Finding what is negative is easy—sometimes finding what we are grateful for in our relationship requires more effort.
Fortunately, we have some powerful tips for reminding yourself you’re in a loving relationship. Giving thanks for your spouse, and giving thanks together for the blessings in your lives, is one of the most significant habits you can build into your marriage. Gratitude is an important ingredient in any relationship, but it takes intentionality to practice it. While this seems like simple common sense, there is actual research to support this fact.
Not just one day
We’re already into the winter holiday season— the times where we gather as friends and family, eat too much delicious food, open gifts, eat again, manage family scuffles that often surface during times of high expectations (cue weddings, funerals, Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter). Oh, and atop all that, give thanks on thanksgiving. Do you realize what just happened? The “thanks” giving part was almost an afterthought.
The retailers would have us believe thanksgiving is just a day to get out of the way so we can get on to Black Friday shopping, and more football. And maybe a leftover turkey sandwich. But really, it’s so much more than that.
Research on gratitude
According to one study of couples married an average of 20 years, it was found that gratitude is a vital attitude in their relationships, a positive indicator that a husband and wife find their relationship satisfying. The study found that when one spouse feels grateful for the good things about the other or about their relationship, it’s common the other spouse experiences a sense of marital satisfaction too. “Specifically, individuals who reported feeling higher levels of gratitude had spouses who were happier with their marriage,” the study reports. In other words, an inward sense of gratitude is a sign of my own marital satisfaction, and it is “relevant” to the other partner’s marital happiness.
A spouse “who feels more gratitude also tends to express more of it,” the study says. Moreover, it comments, spouses “who express more gratitude have spouses who report feeling more gratitude,” like a lovely cycle.
“Research has shown that negative energy in marriage (e.g., contempt, poor communication, etc.) have a very powerful, corrosive effect on the relationship. By comparison, we know very little about how positives may enhance or sustain a flourishing marriage — especially… a long-term relationship.”
It adds that spouses “may benefit from learning to pay attention” when one of them expresses gratitude outwardly and from taking care to avoid misinterpreting statements of gratitude. For example, the researchers had speculated that couples sometimes misinterpret outward expressions of gratitude as manipulation, or attempts “to get something”.
According to the study, one reason it is valuable for a partner “to become more mindful” of the things he or she appreciates about the other is that those who are inwardly grateful tend to express their gratitude outwardly.
More research has shown that mindful gratitude can protect marriages from the toxic effects of conflict. Spouses who showed poor communication patterns during conflict but reported high levels of gratitude from their partner did not seem less committed or prone to divorce.
Other studies focused on 468 married couples accounting their communication, their finances, and their expressions of gratitude. They found that the expressions of gratitude were actually the best predictor of marital happiness! Infact those expressions can also have a protective effect in conflict. The researchers found, when exploring “demand/withdraw” communication—when one partner demands something, criticizes or nags, and the other one withdraws in response—that feeling appreciated can avoid that entire situation. If you have a solid foundation of both appreciating and feeling appreciated, you won’t immediately fly off the handle when your partner says something that could be perceived as cruel or demanding. An obvious finding from the study was that financial stress affected marriages negatively, but that appreciation can mitigate the stress of navigating the money troubles.
According to a UGA study release:
“‘When couples are stressed about making ends meet, they are more likely to engage in negative ways—they are more critical of each other and defensive, and they can even stop engaging or withdraw from each other, which can then lead to lower marital quality…Gratitude, however, can interrupt this cycle and help couples overcome negative communication patterns in their relationship, patterns that may be a result of current stressors they are experiencing.”
Expressing mindful gratitude is important to feel good, but it seems to have a greater effect when both partners are worth appreciating. Forcing yourself to say “thank you” to a partner who took out the trash—but otherwise doesn’t contribute to everything else involved in running a home and making a family “run” smoothly—probably won’t go far to improve your relationship. What will improve your marriage is being partners with someone who pulls their weight, and recognizes that you do the same.
What matters most is that in that “thank you” is the understanding that we recognize the big things and the small things that we do to make each other’s lives a little easier, because we care deeply for each other and that matters.
Gratitude from these kinds of interactions predicted increases in relationship connection and satisfaction the following day, for both recipient and benefactor. Although indebtedness may maintain external signals of relationship engagement, mindful gratitude had uniquely predictive power in relationship promotion, perhaps acting as a booster shot for the relationship
These studies and research confirm that individuals who consistently give thanks are more likely to experience positive emotions and satisfying interpersonal interactions. When two committed people are invested in seeing and appreciating life’s gifts together, anxiety tends to lessen, and shared enjoyment increases. Gratitude increases love, intimacy, and forgiveness.
Benefits of gratitude
Gratitude enhances many positive elements in a relationship – including intimacy. True mutual thankfulness deepens a couple’s emotional and spiritual bonds, which inevitably fosters a more intense physical connection. When we appreciate one another authentically, the risk in our vulnerability with each other lessens, creating a safer space and a more tender connection.
These focused affirmations create a mutual cycle of appreciation. It’s simply human nature that when a person feels appreciated, they’re reminded to show appreciation for others. Practicing gratitude in committed relationships can have a snowball effect; as one partner expresses thanks and gratitude, the same more naturally flows from the other.
Another incredibly positive use for gratitude; it softens criticism. Harsh words sting and can easily have the power to tear down confidence in a relationship. When words of affirmation and gratitude become consistent in a relationship, they slowly lay a foundation of trust that cushions the blow negativity.
When we come into marriage each day with thanksgiving, choosing together to see abundance rather than scarcity, satisfaction comes. Here are a few specific ways that gratitude can strengthen and protect your marriage.
Practical ways to practice gratitude in your relationship
It’s human nature to consider of all the negatives in a marriage—our brains are wired to focus on everything that isn’t “right”. Many clients I’ve worked with think it’s the spouses job to inspire us to be grateful for them, but I remain steadfast that it’s our responsibility to actively seek out things to be grateful for in our mate.
A promising key to healthy relationships is to take the initiative: Instead of waiting for the other person to start changing how you feel, you can jumpstart the change and focus on what’s good in the relationship. Startwith small and easily achievable goals like giving your mate three compliments a day. Another idea is to simply listen to them rather than tuning out. Gratitude is a skill that you cultivate—when you nurture it over time, positivity will begin flowing back to you. Here are practical ways to nurture gratitude in your committed relationship:
Make a shared gratitude journal. Together, you each write down three things (Or more!) you’re thankful for at the end of every day. Studies show this practice has a significant impact on happiness. Over the years, this will become a time capsule of your relationship, reminding you of all the best things that have come through your life.
Gratitude jar—when you recognize something you’re grateful for, write it on a slip of colorful paper and drop it in the jar. One couple I’ve worked with would empty the contents on New Year’s Eve, reading through all the notes from the year as a way of reminding each other of things they’d learned from.
Honoring your spouse publicly. This one may take a little courage—at a gathering, share some of your gratitude for your spouse in front of family and friends. Thanksgiving is a perfect time for this. Honoring your spouse publicly is a gift they won’t be expecting and is tremendously affirming.
Use body language. Appreciation expressed in the unspoken is authentically powerful. Make eye contact when you say “thank you.” Touch one another with compassion and joy. Supplementing a word of thanks with a hand squeeze makes it all the more meaningful.
Write down a list of all the things you appreciate about your partner. Having a physical record of gratitude will prove powerful on difficult days.
Remember together. Enjoy reflecting on past memories and seasons and be actively grateful for the journey you’ve walked together, stating appreciation for one another and experiences you’ve had together.
Say “thank you,” even for the small things. Thank your partner for every chore, even if they have done it for 15 years; thank them for making the bed, even though it takes two minutes.
In this wonderful season of Thanksgiving, take time to appreciate the many gifts of this life, and be especially grateful for the partner beside you. Together, make a commitment to extend the practice of present, mindful gratitude and enjoy the benefits of a loving, healthy relationship.