We often hear how important communication is but not what it is and how we can use good communication in our relationships. I would say that 80% of the issues that are brought to me, regardless of whether it is in a marriage, family, siblings, workplace or friend relationship there is a problem with communication that led to them seeking relationship consultation.
Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive. Unfortunately not so– often when a message is communicated the other person hears something else than the intended message. Feeling heard and understood is a bedrock of healthy, happy relationships. Consider these 7 communication skills that often lead to the healthiest, happiest relationships:
Skill #1: Practice empathy
Putting aside your own thoughts and trying to understand the other’s intentions, feelings, needs and wants is being empathic to the other person. More fully understanding what another person is saying requires listening with empathy.
There’s a big difference between “hearing” and listening. Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. In fact, interrupting is one of the quickest ways to escalate communication into an argument. If someone is speaking and is then “one-upped” by saying something like, “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me” this implies what you have to say is irrelevant and unimportant to the person whom you are conversing with. Remember–communicating is not ‘all about you!’ It is impossible to hear the conversation when you are so busy trying to figure out what you’re going to say next. You may feel compelled to say your opinion while the other person is talking, particularly if you have different information. Waiting to speak and giving the other person attention and shows respect.
Skill #2: Be calm under pressure
How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? When feeling stressed or overwhelmed its easier to misread other people’s intention and the message behind their words. When a bit of time has passed and calmness has returned you will be able to determine if a situation requires a response. Will whatever was causing the stress or upset matter to you in 24-hours? If not, consider letting it go.
Skill #3: Focus
Effective communication does not involve multitasking. If you’re checking your text/instagram/Facebook feed or phone its close to a given that nonverbal cues in the conversation will be missed or overlooked. To communicate effectively avoid distractions and stay focused. Set aside time to talk without interruption. Its irrelevant whether the content is “important”– whether the person is telling you a joke or revealing a secret they both warrant undivided attention. When we nod and maintain eye-contact you show the other person that you are listening and care about their information.
Skill #4: Master personal message delivery
Speaking about important topics face to face is an extremely important skill to build healthy communication in relationships. Serious conversations warrant more than a casual text or IM.
Choose a time when communication and an important message can be delivered face to face. This allows you both an opportunity to give the message and each other full attention. When important things are said in person the possibility for the message to get “lost in translation” decreases greatly.
Skill #5: Pay attention to nonverbal signals
When we communicate, we can say a lot without speaking.The way we look, listen, move, and react to others conveys more about how you’re feeling than words alone. Nonverbal communication through our body language, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, and vocal tone all send a message.
When we disagree or dislike what’s being said there is a tendency to use negative body language. Crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact or tapping your foot may not convey the message you intend and put the other person on the defense. Using open body language like uncrossed arms and eye contact sends the message you are engaged and interested in what the person is saying.
Skill #6: Choose your words carefully
When you are in a disagreement or arguing with someone it is important to not cast blame or jump to conclusions. Finding out all the facts rather than guessing at motives in a situation lead to more productive communication. Starting with “you” statements, such as “you did x” or ‘You need to fix y’ leads the other person to feel blamed and attacked. Instead use “I” statements. These often diverts the other person from becoming defensive and allows for you to take personal responsibility for your part of the conflict.
Skill #7: Have a clear message
Having a clear message is a key factor in effective communication. A clear message actually involves having discussion– so avoid using the silent treatment. Talk to each other. No matter how well you know the other person it is impossible to read their mind. When communicating clearly we avoid misunderstandings that can lead to hurt, anger or resentment. Don’t assume the other person understands– check in with them and make sure. Likewise if something seems “off” in a statement from someone whom you care about check with them to make sure you understand what they are saying.
Good communication is an important part of all relationships and is an essential part of any healthy partnership. All relationships have ups and downs, but a healthy communication style can make it easier to deal with conflict, and build a stronger and healthier relationships, using these 7 skills will help you get there.