When we meet “the one,” we assume that everything is going to magically fall into place — but that’s just not the case. In actuality marriage takes effort and action. Each of us brings into marriage our unspoken thoughts and perceptions about what it means to be married based on what we’ve seen, heard, experienced, or formulated in contrast to our parents’ example. These thoughts influence our behavior and reactions. Action and effort to discuss really important topics before they become “issues” improves your chances of success and happiness.
Here are 6 critical conversations every couple should have before they tie the knot, based on research and 20+ years of working with executive couples and families.
1. Your ideas about partnership.
Marriage is a partnership that can take many different forms depending on the emotional needs of the people in it. But one fallacy about the marital partnership I see often—the belief that whatever is wrong with your relationship will be fixed by the commitment marriage represents.
The important thing is to articulate and define how you and your soon-to-be spouse see your marriage: Will it be drawn along traditional lines? Or are you looking for a more equalitarian relationship?? Some people marry and make few shifts from their former single lives—they still socialize with their own friends and keep their money separate from their spouses—and are content to live on parallel tracks that sometimes connect. Other people want to function as a couple by melding interests, friends, and assets into a single, shared pool. Being clear about your own needs— and expectations for intimacy, for autonomy, for support—must precede marriage for a successful start.
2. What’s your spiritual belief and/or religion?
There are few things that affect all aspects of someone’s life quite the way religion does. Even if you belong to the same faith, you may not observe it the same way that your partner does. For this reason, it’s important to be very open and honest about your beliefs, how you plan to practice them, and your expectations. This is especially important if yours will be an interfaith marriage.
Think of all of the major holidays and come to an agreement about how each will be celebrated. If you come from two backgrounds, will you combine it or celebrate each separately? I’ve even heard of people alternating from one year to the next. Experiment a little and do what works best for you as a couple. Start your own traditions!
3. Will we have children?
This one is huge and should be taken seriously. You need to talk about whether you want to have children, and, if so, how many and how you will raise them. It’s incredibly important to pay attention to what your partner says on this topic and take it at face value. If they say they don’t want kids and you want several there is a serious problem to address. Do not downplay your own wants, in hopes that you will convince them to change their mind. If you are deciding to have kids—how will you raise them?
4. Location, location location
Talk to your partner about where they hope to live. Do they want to stay where they currently are, long-term? Do they enjoy the idea of exploring new places? Would they relocate if one of you got a new job? Some people are really connected to their hometown and would never consider moving — even for a great opportunity.
5. Tolerance and acceptance of debt and spending habits
Money is another topic that is often avoided because the subject is so emotionally charged. What are your financial expectations? Do you split everything 50/50 or do you each have expenses you’re responsible for? What happens if one of you doesn’t have an income for a period of time? Do you each have plans for retirement income? How do you spend your money? Do you have to ask each other before spending over a certain amount?
6. Intimacy
This is also a really touchy (pun intended) subject. How often? What is too little and what is enough? Is porn okay? What about masturbation? How about talking dirty? Are you monogamous or would you want to bring others into the marital bed to add some “spice”? As an increasing number of couples redefine the boundaries of marriage, it’s more important than ever to be honest and forthright about sexuality.
7. Career, life and retirement goals
Do you have plans to advance your career? Is there a job you’re dreaming of doing? Do you want to go back to school and learn a new trade? What is it you aspire to do in life? What’s your biggest, craziest, out there dream? These are such important things to talk to your future spouse about.
The goal for most couples, is to grow older together — but then what? Once you retire, what do you want to spend your time doing? travel the world? Buy land and start a goat farm? How you envision the last years of your life is worth sharing with your partner so that you can see if your goals align.
If you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, you need to be on the same page for where you plan to take your career. Even if some of these topics seem intimidating, having an open dialogue sets the tone for your marriage. You want to feel like you can talk about anything with your partner — and that begins before you say “I do.” Not only to avoid any surprises and disappointments along the way but also to ensure you have someone in your corner backing you and supporting you as you chase your dreams.
Do you want to set your marriage up for success? Let me help – schedule a 1:1 introduction.