For many people, Father’s Day is a time of joy, laughter, togetherness and love—the stuff Hallmark cards are made of. It’s a day to remember a person who was always present through trials and tribulations of life; it is a holiday to celebrate the man who raised and molded you into who you are today.
For others, it is a holiday that is bitter, sad, and painful. Let’s face it — not everyone has a close relationship with their father. Maybe your father doesn’t evoke any ‘Hallmark’ movie feelings, or you never had a father who showed up or who was there for the trials and tribulations. You may be wondering how to get through Father’s Day if the relationship with your dad is complicated. Whatever your family situation, it can be tricky to navigate a holiday that seems tailored to the ‘traditional’ ‘normal’ family.
Coping
When this day is a painful and unwanted reminder of something beautiful you lost or an unactualized idealistic parental relationship that never came to reality, what do you do? Well, you cope; you try to do something healthy for yourself that will allow you to reconcile what is your reality with what you wish you had. This change and healthy coping strategy is “post-traumatic growth.” Posttraumatic growth is a psychological change that occurs as a result of one’s struggles with a highly stressful and traumatic event/relationship and the ability to seek positive change in response to adversity.
How are we to reconcile the wants and needs to give the other parental figures in our lives respect with our internal turmoil? The truth is, I have no perfect answer to these questions, but here are some ideas for making this day a better one:
- First of all, accept that there is no normal. What society or ‘Hallmark’ deems as the world’s normal, is not necessarily normal at all. It is utopian and idealistic, and it often, isn’t reality. Accept that everyone’s reality of the father/son/daughter relationship are very unique and different. And most importantly, that your reality is your normal.
- Mentally prepare for the days like, Father’s Day, where you will likely examine your relationship. The way your father interacts or treats you has nothing to do with you. It is all about how they feel about themselves. Their behavior is about them, their insecurities, their narcissism. Do some self-affirmations! You don’t have to believe them, but the first step towards belief is saying it. As they say, fake it until you make it. Their inability to be a loving, supporting, present, nurturing father, isn’t about whether or not you are worthy is about them.
- Love him where he is. This is easier said than done, but if you can love your father for whatever small infinitesimal positive qualities you see, you can begin to let your wounds scab over. Once those wounds heal and you begin to accept him just the way he is, your will find that the wounds will heal more thoroughly. You will be able to sleep at night knowing you did what you needed to do, and that is all you CAN do.
- Even if you don’t see or interact with your dad, you can still send out positive energy to him that will ultimately lead to your own wellness. Forgiveness is about you, not about your father. Being able to let unresolved bitterness go, serves you. You may think it is letting your father off the hook and not holding him accountable—in essence, giving the illusion that his actions and behavior were acceptable—but in reality, you can’t control him, and you may never get the validation for the hurt you feel, so you heal by giving yourself permission to let it go. To forgive is to take control of how you feel and who you are back to the one person who should have that control—YOU.
- Send out positive energy towards your father even if you don’t talk to him. Sending out positive thoughts and energy will help you heal. By sending out positive energy, you take away the sting of bitterness and the sharp edge of anger.
- This may be difficult or maybe even impossible for some, but if you can, try to remember the good moments, words, deeds that came from your father. Focusing on the even minute positives will change your energy from bitterness to blessed.
- Perhaps you feel a sense of obligation to spend time with your father on Father’s Day. Will it be challenging, yes, but doing some mental preparation beforehand can help you. Remind yourself that his poor communication, hurtful words, or even unsupportive behavior isn’t about you. Tell yourself that you aren’t going to internalize his garbage. His trash is his trash—make sure he keeps it. Walk away when you need to walk away. Give yourself that permission. Maybe even plan for a short visit ahead of time. Usually an hour is enough time to cover the pleasantries and then things can go south quickly after. So, stay for the good and get out before the bad!
- Parental relationships do a lot to our psyche. Don’t be afraid to get the help that you need. There is no shame in asking professionals to help you navigate the complexities of dealing with pain, dysfunction, abuse that can be attributed to our familial relationships.
- Father’s Day may be the perfect day to say, “my dad isn’t perfect, and maybe he could have and should have done better, but he did… (plug in those things (or thing? He created you!) he did right).
While all these suggestions are sound and helpful, I realize that they can be difficult to actually do. To get through this year’s Father’s Day, accept yourself and where you are right now. Be okay with what you can do in this moment. You aren’t perfect and recognize that healing is a process—baby steps! Here are some additional survival, self-help tips for getting through Sunday:
- Stay off social media – don’t rub your nose in the fact that others had perfect fathers (or at least that is how they will portray them on Facebook)
- Journal about who you are and what is amazing about you—focus on how awesome you are despite a lack of love, support, nurture, time, generosity from your father
- Journal about the positive memories, even if they are remote, that you have with your father
- Write down the negatives – burn them
- Plan something fun for the day, far away from the consumer holiday
- Celebrate with a father figure or male friend who is awesome!
Father’s Day can be difficult for many. Don’t make it harder on yourself! Practice acceptance and love not only with your father or lack of father, but with yourself. Be kind to yourself-celebrate you!