In the United States and, to a great extent, around the globe is the socialized belief that being a boss, in charge, or a leader means being a man and using a masculine leadership style. In fact, one leading automotive supply chain consultant I spoke with recently said that her company COO openly stated that “women aren’t capable to comprehend what is involved in global supply chain operations.” Although most assertions by upper leadership are not often stated that blatantly the facts still remain:
“As of 2017, nearly 47% of the American labor force is composed of women. Globally, women earn only three-quarters as much as men—even with the same level of education, and in the same occupation,” says Christine Lagarde, the first woman to hold the position of Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund. Christine goes on to say, “Women also tend to be locked out of leadership positions, where gender seems to matter more than ability. Women make up only 5 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs.”
It’s true that the skills and behaviors we associate with being a boss or manager are those that we have been socialized to think of as male behaviors. These include perceived behaviors such as “being able to make tough decisions,” “seeking to climb the corporate ladder” or “being aggressive.” The male leader’s communication skills follow suit. Men tend to be “direct, forceful, and assertive.” Male leaders don’t whine, have a strong, deep voice and speak loudly when needed. I have found that if women mimic such communication style they are perceived as rude, “emotional,” “domineering” or “crazy” and not taken seriously. Serena Williams in her narration of a recent Nike commercial articulated this succinctly: “When we stand for something, we’re unhinged. When we’re too good, there’s something wrong with us. And if we get angry, we’re hysterical, irrational or just being crazy.”
I propose that there is an approach in the middle—that you can be authentically female with softness while simultaneously having an edge. The challenge many women whom I coach have is knowing when it is “ok” to show elements of “softness” and when they must have an “edge.” This often bleeds into family and home life when women who have leadership roles and the “edge” do not turn the edge “off” and allow themselves to accept nurturance from their partners or spouses. The idea that we must always be “in charge” does not afford us an opportunity to be feminine for fear we will be perceived as “weak.” I personally had a male colleague call me out on this very issue— he said blatantly- “you don’t have to be so hard like a man!” Although I had to check myself, and asked my husband his opinion. Much to my chagrin he mirrored the sentiment. I began to step outside of my need to be in charge across all facets of my life. I had some revelation that allowing for nurturance would afford me rejuvenation and allow me to be better leader, business owner, friend, mother and wife. Stepping back allows others to come forward and take the reins. Will things get done as well or exactly how you might want? Probably not- but you will be lighter if you dull your edge at home and relinquish some control. You can sharpen your edge again on your next conference call, in your next email or on your commute to and from the office.
I don’t pretend to say this transition has been easy or my behavior consistently in alignment with my desired “softer” state of being– after all, my edge and “in charge” approach have been my go-to for years. But the recognition that maybe some softening of my edge at the right time might yield positive dividends is a construct that I am making an effort to employ. Is there risk in being “soft” at times? Certainly. But, in my opinion, the potential rewards for such a risk are great.
How do we teach such a skill, to be both “soft” and have an “edge”? It sounds cliché, but It starts at home. Pepsi’s retired CEO Indra Nooyi was trained to be a CEO and leader by her Mom. While growing up with dinner table discussions on what she would do if you were the prime minister she had inspiration to believe she could lead. Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook champions female leadership in all she does. Joking at a 2016 Teach For America event she stated, “We don’t always encourage leadership in women. Instead of calling your daughter ‘bossy’, start saying, ‘My daughter has executive leadership skills.’ While paying attention to how we raise our daughters is important to how they’ll be leaders in the future, there is still time to make the changes in yourself and your relationships. Well, in this girl’s opinion, when we’re called emotional, crazy, or [fill in the offensive blank]— recognize what is and make some subtle changes that will work to your advantage at both home and at the office. Consider a few thoughts on how to become simultaneously “edgy” and soft”:
Choosing the moment. A strong woman doesn’t have to talk as loud, as forceful, and most certainly does not have to thump her chest in order to be heard. She just waits for the right time.
Speak sensibly. Communicate calmly, logically, and without antagonizing because you’ve got a brain—a good one. One that has an amazingly unique perspective; especially in the testosterone-filled working world. Your opinion is just as valuable as everyone else’s and your unique values and experiences may best serve the team at that particular moment.
Resilience. Don’t internalize and take things too personally; learn how to receive well-meant constructive criticism and use it to improve your work.
Intuition. Lucky for us women this one comes naturally. When making big decisions, tap into your intuition and always go with your instincts. Instincts and knowledge combined will prove to be a very successful approach at both work and home.
Take criticism for what it is; leave any drama or feelings outside of work. When receiving criticism acknowledge you’ve heard the critique and respond positively. Avoid becoming defensive and finding excuses because at the end of the day it’s results – not effort – that really matters.
Confidence. The saying “fake it ’til you make it” didn’t come from nowhere. If there is something you aren’t very familiar with, my advice wouldn’t be to “fake it” but instead, learn it. Knowing the material develops your confidence.
Be you. You don’t have to prove you’re one of them, you’re not. You are like a unique flower waiting to bloom. You can bloom in the garden you are in – at both work and home.
If you’d like to talk about your relationship and how you can be more of who you want to be, contact me at https://executiverelationshipadvisor.com/ to schedule some time with me. Our first 30 minute consultation is free.
